WAIT FOR IT
It is amazing how you can listen to the music from a musical HUNDREDS of times and then when you're going through something and you hear a song again it has a whole new meaning...... Recently, while driving to work I heard "Wait for it" from Hamilton, a Broadway musical. This song is about the war and Burr trying to come to terms with why Hamilton seems to have it all. I have heard this song a GAZILLION times and it never resonated with me and my cancer journey. Musicals are my medicine. I am working on a blog about this. However, a couple weeks ago as I was waiting for my PET scan results and I was seeing posts of other metastatic women getting bad news of progression and a few more women were passing away; I was deep in anxiety mode. Then this song came on and it just made SO much sense to my journey. My war is with cancer and also the battle in my head with coming to terms living with my chronic condition. Instead of Jekyll and Hyde on my shoulder today or an angel and devil; it is Hamilton and Burr. I take the best advice from each one.
One line is, "Why am I alive when so many have died? I am willing to wait for it." YES!! Some days when I see the passing of other amazing women I go through a flood of emotions. Sadness that we have lost another, guilt that I am still here, worry that I could be next, relief that I feel pretty good and then curiosity about what is my purpose. Why am I still here when so many have died? I am willing to wait for it....... God has a plan for me to prosper without fear of my future. I just don't want to waste the time I am given. That can be a heavy load to carry. Living well and using every moment to not take the time I am given for granted. A few other lines that hit me in my heart: Death doesn’t discriminate Between the sinners And the saints It takes and it takes and it takes And we keep living anyway We rise and we fall And we break And we make our mistakes And if there’s a reason I’m still alive When everyone who loves me has died I’m willing to wait for it I’m willing to wait for it
I just got to be me and do me and not worry about the future so much. Keep on living anyways! I am waiting for it...... To see what my path is going to be.......When I live scan to scan it determines whether I move forward with all the plans I have envisioned. Or will I have to search for the next treatment plan. Wait for it. Thank goodness this time around my scans remain stable. I am almost at one year of NEAD on maintenance treatment. Praise God. So life goes on. I continue down the path set before me. I am glad that I have musicals as my therapy. Music infects my soul, it makes me think, makes me feel, and it soothes my anxious nerves. Lyrics to me are like secret messages to my soul, from God and the universe. Just another tool in "manifesting resiliency." I want to be like Hamilton. I want to thrive and survive. Hamilton doesn’t hesitate He exhibits no restraint He takes and he takes and he takes And he keeps winning anyway He changes the game He plays and he raises the stakes And if there’s a reason He seems to thrive when so few survive, then Goddamnit— I am willing to wait for it.
As the song says, I am the one thing in life I can control. I am inimitable. I am an original. Wait for it Only I can control how I feel and react to my life. I am worth it. I can be that exceptional responder. I am waiting for it. Waiting for better treatment options, waiting for a cure, waiting for a better future. While I am waiting, I am going to live in the moment and not hesitate. I am going to live without restraint and keep winning in this thing we call life. Faith Not Fear and Choosing Joy! I am not being paid to say this, but please go see this musical, it is AMAZING. At the very least check out the music it is just brilliant. Really, at least listen to this song.