On my trip to Santa Fe not only did I take a magnificent physical Hike but I also went on spiritual quest too. The morning began at a catholic church. This church is known for its healing dirt. My sister and I prayed for healing and place the sign of the cross on our foreheads with the healing dirt. The peace I felt in this sacred place was beyond explanation. I could feel the presence of God wrapping His arms around me.
Our next stop was at a mineral spa in the middle of the desert. There were 5 different mineral waters to soak in, plus a mud bath. At the spa you could only whisper. It was the perfect place to rest after our huge hike and reflect on life. My life feels muddy. Trying to find my new normal is hard. There are some days that I don't think about cancer and I wonder if it is acceptance or denial. Lately my weight has really been bringing me down. I feel frustrated that I keep packing on the pounds and I know that is is not healthy. Managing a job, family, kids, terminal illness and then try to throw weight loss into the mix drives my anxiety way up.
As I lay weightless in the warms waters. Floating, these words fill my soul:
I am Enough.
Exactly how I am.
I can treat myself better and make good choices that will give me strength and energy.
I am perfectly imperfect.
I don't have to have it all figured out today.
I can be kind to myself.
I can take a deep breathe before making a choice.
I can choose things that bring me joy.
I will praise God and have Faith over fear.
Bathing in the mud, letting it bake into my skin and then floating in the waters, allowing it to wash away was so symbolic of what I need to do for my soul. Allow the muddiness of cancer go. Allow the embarrassment of my size go.
I am enough. I am strong. I am capable. I am enough, right where I am at.
Even in this spa God was sending little kisses. While wandering to my chair for
a rest I noticed two ladies making beautiful words with water colors. Out of character for me, I told them how much I loved their art and then went on my way. A few hours later one of
the ladies, Jenny, approached me and offered me a pick of her creations. I selected "Hope Radically" and told her I has stage 4 breast cancer. Then she said that she had stage 4 thyroid cancer. God works to put people in our paths that we need in that moment. She also left me with the saying, "Find treasures in the dark." Which is such a great reminder to seek the positive in bad situations.
There are always little nuggets of goodness even in the messiness of cancer.
Spending the day at the spa in the desert was a wonderful way to cleanse the soul and reflect on where I was and where I want to go. Really, I need to let go and let God do his thing.