Some days I pretend it is all a scary dream. Some days I feel so normal that I think I must not have cancer. Some days I catch myself loving a moment and wondering how many more I will have. Some days I can't catch my breath because the thought of leaving my family too soon is overwhelming. Some days I read an entry on a stage 4 Facebook page about progression and my stomach drops. Is that me? Is it going to be me next? Please God, please don't let it go to my brain. Some days I feel guilty for being NEAD, when so many others are progressing or dying. Some days I want to chop my breast off if it means more time with my family. Why can't doctor decide if I should or should not. Some do, some don't. Some days I ugly cry at what I might miss. Some days I plan for a future with me and some days I plan a future with out me. Some days I have the strength to lift up many women and spread joy. Some days I fall into a pit of despair and pray that I will see the light. Some days I wonder how many some days I will have. This is real life living with metastatic breast cancer.