This weekend my daughter asked me to teach her how to straighten her hair. My gut reaction was to say no. Not now, I was too busy cleaning the house and getting ready for her birthday party..... But then I paused, God tapped me on my shoulder, and knew I could not pass up this moment. She was asking ME for help. She is growing up so fast I know the time is coming when she will not want my help. You know how preteens are. I know as women watching our children grow we are trying to create memories and hold on SO tight. We can feel their childhood slipping away. It seems to go by in a blink. Living with a terminal illness this moment took on a whole new meaning. Visions from a scene from Mamma Mia started to play in my head and I started to hum the Abba song, "Slipping through my fingers." During this scene the mom is helping the daughter do her hair for her wedding.
(The broadway version is MUCH better than the movie). As I was talking to my daughter and straightening her hair. I thought what if this is it? What if I don't get to see her get married? I won't have that Momma Mia moment. I took a deep breath and I made that our moment. I took the time to have a wonderful heartfelt conversation with her. As she practiced I envisioned what she would look like as a young woman getting ready for her big day. What I would say to her on her big day? I held back my tears and took pictures in my mind of our moment.
Later that night I wrote about our special moment in her notebook that I write in during infusions. I don't think she realized while I was teaching her to straighten her hair that it was a big deal. Of course, I don't want her to be thinking dark thoughts. I want her to look back on that moment when she is older and realize how much it meant to me. If I am not there on her wedding day I want her to know how much I wished and longed to be there. I want her to know that I felt that moment and knew what I wanted to say. I shared some words of wisdom and thoughts of love that I might share on her wedding day in her notebook. It is the best I can do for now. It is enough. Faith not Fear. Of course, I have hope that I will be at her wedding. But I am taking these moments now and making everyday mundane activities the best memories ever. No regrets. She told me her hair was on fleek. Success!! So glad we shared that moment. Choosing Joy every step of the way.
Slipping through my fingers all the time I try to capture each minute, the feeling in it.....