I CRIED TODAY
I cried today for someone I never met. Another young mom died from mbc. There have been at least 2 women that have died this week alone.
at have died this week alone
That could be me......sigh it will be me....some day.
Of course I go to their page. I study their pictures. I study her face. Did she look sick? Did she know it was coming? Did she have an opportunity to leave a legacy for her children and family?
And I scour the page for the type of breast cancer. Is it like mine? What treatments did she endure? Like trying to unravel the mystery to somehow avoid death. I take a deep breath. Not my kind of BC. More aggressive kind. I am safe......sort off. But then I feel guilty that I am here and she is not.
Yesterday, I actually said to some one, "Mets in the bones are better than organs." Ugh, any mets are just bad. Why as humans do we feel this need to be positive and try to say something, anything good. Stage 4 cancer sucks. I still need to work at holding space and just listening. (Check out my blog post: I have Space for You)
It is not my fault that I got cancer. I am blessed/lucky that right now I am NEAD. But I wait for the other shoe to drop. Scans were today. Anxiety is picking up. The devil is raging in my head. I scream and fight for joy. For faith over fear. I pray for clear, unremarkable, no progression. I pray for a cure, I pray for strength to keep going. I wear a happy face. Some days this is exhausting. As I go to publish this I read that Beth Caldwell is in Hospice. Another woman that I have not met but also has MBC and she is a HUGE advocate for science (research) and for ACTION (change in congress). She established the first "die in" in Washington D.C. through METUP. Here is their mission: METUP is committed to changing the landscape of metastatic cancer through direct action. We protest and demonstrate; we meet with government and health officials and researchers; we support research into metastatic disease; and we speak out against the sexualizing of breast cancer. We are convinced that the deaths of women and men from metastatic breast cancer are a paramount issue, and we pledge ourselves to oppose all who deny the reality of the 522,000 people who will die from metastatic breast cancer globally every year while waiting for a cure to be found. It is women like Beth that make me want to advocate and put myself out there. I do not want her to die and and not have others carrying on her work. Her mission is critical for my life, for all of us with MBC. She has a legacy that her family can be proud of. Her light will continue to shine. Right now all I can think is that cancer sucks. Hold your family close. Life is one hell of a ride. Do you wonder how you can help? You can donate to METUP or Metavivor. #stage4needsmore #dyingforcure #researchnotawareness #onediseasebc #nomorepinkwashing #metavivor