As 2018 begins I feel conflicted. In the past years I always felt a sense of urgency to change everything. To change what I eat. To lose weight. To change my interaction with my children and husband. You know, more game nights and date nights. I always felt like I have to be better at living my life. Last year I was desperate for clear scans, to be done with toxic chemo and to feel better. Now that I feel better and my scans are clear...... BUT I still have stage 4 cancer.......I don't know where to go this year...... There is a fear of creating big plans to only be knocked down. There is a fear of not making the big plans and to remain in this limbo and never reach for any of my dreams. So I sit here trying to find my word for 2018, trying to formulate a plan, trying to find my mojo......and it is just not coming. I know in my last blog I talked about self love and saving space for myself. Of course that should be the foundation; but I really don't know where I want to go with my life. I just feel lost. I am tired. I know that I want to say yes more and have lots of fun experiences but I also want to curl up in my quilt and not engage with anyone. I have a major cause of the blahs. Blah, blah, blahhhh. Is this the winter blues? I look at peoples Instagram accounts and Facebook pages I see posts about a hundred days of gratitude and I look at people's beautiful bullet journals of how they are going to eat healthy, exercise and try something new. I look at it all and I just kind of go "meh." Nothing is pulling my heart. Nothing is getting my attention. I really feel stuck, I am trying to force myself into this grand aha moment and it is not coming. I share this, because life is not always sunshine and rainbows. It is okay to admit that you have the blahs. It is part of living life with a chronic condition. SO in the spirit of self-love, I'm just going to be okay with not having a plan yet and to just let things happen. In all honesty, right now my word for 2018 is apathetic which is pretty pathetic. I am going to continue to sit on this 2018 plan because I know I will find my grit. A plan will come to me. Until then I am just going to mellow in my 'meh' moment. It is okay to have down days. As long as you don't stay there.
