We went to my happy place like we do every year and I arrived tired. I was having a pretty down week after my infusion it seem I am getting more tired. I am gaining more weight and just feeling blah, almost feeling like I am sinking into a depression. There is a cycle to the feelings. I have the infusion. Week one: I feel tired and exhausted. Every day activities feel over whelming. Life is overwhelming. Don't want to do anything or go any where. Week two: feel a bit more energy and think, okay I want to clean out the basement and put a fence up in the back yard. Ideas flourish, I feel some what normalish. Third week: okay, I am going to eat healthy and call a plumber and re do the bathroom and spend some time water color painting. Life is good. I got this! Then I have an infusion and week one is back. I feel tired and terrible and my list looks daunting and I don't want to tackle it. ALL I can do is work and try to keep the house somewhat clean and try to cook somewhat healthy meals. This. This is my life. I am not going anywhere fast. It is a crazy vicious cycle. Way worse than any PMS cycle.
So back to the story. At my happy place. Time to bike 8.5 miles around the island. One of my favorite activities. A half hour in I knew my body couldn't do it. I was already exhausted from traveling. Everyone was speeding ahead of me and I knew it was not going to happen. So I turned around and headed to my favorite place on the island. The grassy knoll. I was super disappointed in myself. This is the first time I had been to the island and not finished the bike ride like I do every year for the last 15 years. But I took out my paints and did some water coloring painting. I took some deep breaths and praised God that I was alive and able to be on the vacation. I enjoyed my quiet time and realized that I was quite fond of painting outside in nature. I was a bit quiet and withdrawn. I was having a hard time accepting that I couldn't do the things I wanted to do. Quality of life is as important and Quantity.
Two days later after some much needed rest I tried the bike ride again. I was able to do it! 8.5 miles! I felt so accomplished that I had still had it in me. Through the bike ride I kept telling myself that I could do hard things. I took frequent rest breaks. It did not look like what it use to but I did it. I took time during that 8.5 mile bike ride to remind myself to give myself grace. Things don't look the same or feel the same. My pace is way slower. But I can still do hard things. Slowing down I was able to feel the breeze on my face. Stack some rocks, watch my kids hunt for sea glass and be present. SO many blessing during our time together. It is okay to not feel okay. I wish it was easier. I wish cancer did not rule my life. I wish. I wish for a lot of things.